Focus on Yourself!

One of the banes of society is that people seem to compare their lifestyle with those around them. How many times have we looked at the metaphorical “Joneses” and wished that we had what they have? How does it make you feel when you compare your life with those around you? We can either find that we are satisfied or unsatisfied with our lot in life.

In psychology there is a term – social comparison. This is where we compare ourselves with those around us and use that as a gauge for our life satisfaction. There are 2 types of this comparison: Upward Comparison and Downward Comparison and both of these evoke different emotions.

Upward comparison occurs when we compare our life with those who we perceive to have a better life than us. They may earn more than us, have a bigger house than us, seem to be more successful than us. The other day I was having a conversation with a person who was experiencing such a comparison. The person came across as being resentful toward the person they were comparing themselves to. That is the danger with upward comparison, it can make you feel like you have failed in your life. It fills you with feelings of dissatisfaction and maybe jealousy. It could lead you to feeling depressed as you begin to see what you think is lack in your life.

The other side of the coin is when we look at those who have less than us. People who are socially and economically inferior to us. This is what downward comparison is. When we come across people who have less than what we have, then we feel that things are not as bad as we thought. We feel that we have got a good life, we are not struggling as much as we thought we were. We have food on the table and a roof over our heads. How do you feel when you compare yourself to those who are lower down on the socio-economic ladder? You probably feel satisfied with your life, you see the abundance that you have, you feel happy and confident.

It is interesting to see the contrasts in the paradigms when we consider social comparisons: one can lead to feelings of inadequacy, jealousy, lack and sadness. The other leads to feelings of satisfaction, abundance and happiness. What has led to these differences in feelings? Simply this: Who are you focusing on and comparing yourself to?

True happiness does not come by focusing on the lives of those around us and seeing how we “stack up”. We need to focus on one thing only: ourselves and our life.  That may sound selfish but it isn’t! We need to begin to compare ourselves to ourselves. Are you growing as a person? Are you the same person you were a week ago? A month ago? A year ago? What changes have you made to improve yourself (not as a means of pleasing other people, but as a way of accepting yourself and loving yourself as a unique human being.) You will also find a flow-on effect on those around you as your life becomes more positive and richer.

If you find that you are always concerned about how you life is compared to those around you, please STOP! You will never experience true happiness. Look at who you are now and compare that to who you were. Who do you want to be in the future? When you realise that you have grown as human being, then that is true happiness and satisfaction.

“Door Openers”

Every now and then we all come across someone who, inadvertently, with kindness causes us to unlock a part of our memories that we have hidden away. I refer to these people as “Door Openers”. Usually these memories are locked away because those they are too painful, or too traumatic, to face.

I had a situation like that yesterday, when my wife was getting excited because it was the first time she will have shared my birthday. I cried, but I did not know why. She was excited and I felt touched by her kindness and enthusiasm. In the afternoon I realised that my sadness had been caused by the reality that I have never had someone so excited about my “special day”. No one really seemed to care, so  I began to try and not care either.

Every other year I tried to treat my birthday as just another day, but deep within I wanted someone to at least make an effort to acknowledge how special the day was. I became good at hiding the pain and the sadness and got to a stage where I would not tell anyone what day was my birthday.

Yesterday I came to a realisation that my wife had actually unlocked a door that I had securely locked up for years. The pain came flooding out and I cried and cried. I found the situation to be a catharsis that allowed me to find healing in that area.

In your life you will have “Door Openers”enter and unlock a door that has been bolted tightly shut for years. Allow the door to be opened and face the raw emotions that poor out from behind it. Not only will you find healing, you will also realise that you have become a stronger person!

Please do not force the door open, for doing so means that you are not ready to deal with what is locked behind it. When the time is right, someone will come along with the right “key” and unlock the door. It is at this time that you will be ready to face the pain, the torment, the anger that surfaces when those memories are released from where the have been kept under “house arrest”.

No excuses!

Hi guys and gals!

We make them all the time. We make them for ourselves. We might even make them for other people. What are they? EXCUSES!!

It is so easy to make excuses. it means that we do not have to deal with certain things in our lives. it means that we do not have to change. We make excuses for other people, because it is easier to do that then to face the reality of the other person’s behaviour. 

Excuses allow us to maintain the status quo. They give us reasons as to why we let our lives our lives to remain as they when people ask us why we do not want to change. But excuses are disempowering. They provide us with illusion. They are subtle defense mechanisms we call upon to justify ourselves and our lot in life.

I could come up with a a raft of excuses as to why my life is where it is at right now. I could also blame other people, blame circumstances, but such behaviour does not get one to where one wants to be in life. What goals do you have for your life? What ambitions have you got? What are your dreams? 

Are you making excuses as to why you are not pursuing your dreams and ambitions? STOP IT!! Start coming up with reasons as to why you should be chasing your dreams. Set goals for yourself. Make plans not excuses!! Once you put these things in practise, see how far you go!

The only person stopping you is YOU! Put away the excuse book! Chase your dreams and goals. Have fun! 

 

 

Are you a floating Island?

Some peoople just cruise through life without any sense of purpose or direction. After all “Que Sera Sera”, right? Whatever will be will be…no point making plans they never work out anyway!

These people are always blown about by the whims and wishes of other people. Their direction is determined by the winds of those around them. They are blown about, directionless, like floating island. Does that sound like you? Are you always ready to succumb to the wishes and desires of those around you? Is your life’s direction determined by others rather than by you?

These floating islands are full of the junk that is blown and deposited on them by life and those around them. They might bump into another “floating island” and there might be an exchange:

“Oh you have no idea how terrible my life is. The kids are uncontrollable, the husband is so irritable lately.”

“You think you’ve got it bad? My dog needs to be put down tomorrow. My arthritic knee is playing up somewhat terribly. And I’m sure that this economy is heading down the drain!”

What has happened? Two islands have collided and swapped junk! One might take on more junk than it has given out. The result? A heavier load for that island to bear. It begins to sink beneath the waves of negativity and turmoil that pushes it about aimlessly in the sea of life.

Is there any hope for these floating islands?

There is! It requires the island to be anchored securely. Once it has been, it is no longer at the whims of the tides of negativity. It can resist the push and pull that has caused it to previously float aimlessy and directionless through life.

How does one become an anchored island?

First, realise that you have been floating through life, pushed and pulled by the wishes and desires of those around you. It’s time to stop and focus on yourself and on your life. The anchor has just been lowered and secured!!

Second, map out where you want to be in life. Chart out a course that embraces your hopes, dreams, goals, and wishes. Where do you want to be in your life? What do you want to achieve?

Third, remove all the junk that has weighed you down beneath the sea of life. Remove the negativity, the fears, the lack of self-belief, the mediocrity.

Fourth, with your course charted in life. Pull up the anchor and go for it!

You will be tossed and turned by the storms of life, but that’s when you need to refocus on where you are heading. Forget about the buffeting, forget about the negativity, just keep your sites fixed on the shores of your hopes and dreams.

Eventually you will be shouting “Land ahoy!” Congratulations your island has made it to the land of your dreams!